I caught my tailor shagging my wife yesterday, so I told him that I'd never use his business again. He said "Fine, suit yourself"

Paddy puts an ad in his local paper as his dog had gone missing......after a week and no replies his wife asked 'what did you put in the ad as i thought we would have heard something by now?'.....paddy replies.... 'here boy'....

I babysat for my next door neighbour last night. After an hour the baby kept crying so I phoned one of my mates for some advice.

I said, "It won't stop crying, what shall I do?"

He said, "Just give it a dummy."

I said, "The dummy is filthy dirty."

He said, "In that case, put it in boiling water for 10 seconds."

After a long pause I said, "Great advice mate, now he's screaming even louder and is covered in blisters."

I just saw a contest where you can win a lifetime supply of McDonald's.

Brilliant from a cost perspective, anyone who'd eat a lifetime supply of McDonald's can't be bound to live all that long.

Two fish in a tank, one turns to the other and says "you drive and I'll shoot"

Man goes to the doctors with a piece of lettuce stiking out of his a--e.
He asks "Is it serious?"
The doctor replied "I think it may be the tip of the iceberg"

"Doctor doctor, I keep thinking I'm a moth."
"You want the psychiatrist next door"
"That's where I was heading, but your light was on."